In a world that takes itself way too seriously, Uranus dares to tell you the truth. That you’re a miracle of biology, floating through space, shitting into water. And That’s beautiful.
Welcome to Uranus.
You’re not just wiping. You’re waking up.
(and probably questioning your entire existence).
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Your first in line! Pre-orders opening soon.
We're wiped out, but to make it up to you...⏰ Limited time only — Loading... left! Sign up now for exclusive bonus rolls — FREE. ✅ 2 free rolls. ✅ 9 free rolls. ✅ 18 free rolls... the deals are ludicrous!
Finally, a Toilet Paper Brand That Gets Your Bottom Line
You’re about to have a religious experience with your rear.
Uranus doesn’t pretend to “change the world.” It just changes your bathroom, slightly.
"When life’s full of shit, at least your Uranus isn’t."
Absurdly-soft 4-Ply Tissue
• 4-ply Bamboo woven absurdly soft tissues
• Extra large rolls that last you 75% longer than ordinary
• Embossed humour and a silky smooth finish
"Softer than an ape's whisper, on a romantic evening, in a moonlit bamboo forest."
"Guaranteed to embarrass the bland rolls next to it."
×
Oops. Looks like you’re not the only one trying to touch Uranus.
We’re totally, absolutely, 100% SOLD OUT. Which is wild, because it’s toilet paper. Get on the list. Be first when we drop the next batch from orbit.
The Impact
This is the part where we tell you we plant a tree per pack.
We won't make it weird...
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Every pack plants a tree. You’re basically a forest god now.
Track your forest Empire. Name each sapling. Confuse your enemies.
The Uranus App: The Digital Temple of Logs
It’s not just toilet paper. It’s a rebellion. A movement. (Mostly bowel.)
“You’re not alone. There are others. Wiping. Planting. Believing in the sacred roll. Join us…” - Anonymous Wiper
Features
Join a mildly deranged community where you can: • Earn Wipe Points • Earn Free Rolls • Gain discounts • Access future products • Confess your sins anonymously • Vote on new meme rolls • Name and track your trees like the benevolent toilet god you are (Seriously. You’ve got trees now. You can even name them. Call it Steve. Steve the Tree. Bet you won’t.) • Track your forest empire.
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The app is coming. Prepare your cheeks.
Uranus App is currently Under Enhancement. It’s not available right now — because we’re making it better. Sharper. Stranger. More worthy of your data and your dignity. Sign up below, and you’ll be the first to know when we re-release it into the universe.
£5, £15, £30. Straight forward pricing
9 rolls = £5 or
36 rolls = £15 or
90 rolls = £30Phenomenal value for money, no?
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Don't be a faggot. Just buy the damn product. Or we'll get you. We're tracking your ip now. forget, we're coming for you...
×
Your first in line! Pre-orders opening soon.
We're wiped out, but to make it up to you...⏰ Limited time only — Loading... left! Sign up now for exclusive bonus rolls — FREE. ✅ 2 free rolls. ✅ 9 free rolls. ✅ 18 free rolls... the deals are ludicrous!
“Too funny for toilet paper. ★☆☆☆☆” – Lewis“I reconsidered my entire existence. Then I wiped.” – Georgia“Wait. This is real?” – Dave“Finally — a loyalty program that rewards my butt, my soul, and my most intrusive thoughts.” - Mike Hunt
×
We’re WIPED OUT — But There’s Still Time.
Oops. Looks like you’re not the only one trying to touch Uranus. We’re totally, absolutely, 100% SOLD OUT. Which is wild. Because it’s toilet paper. To make it up to you...⏰ Limited time only — Loading... left!
Sign up now and get exclusive bonus rolls — FREE:
- ✅ 2 bonus rolls
- ✅ 9 bonus rolls
- ✅ 18 bonus rolls... the deals are ludicrous!
The “Cheek Satisfaction Guarantee” 🍑🛡️
If Uranus doesn’t feel right, we'll make it right.Free Replacement or Full Refund—your choice.Keep the Rolls Anyway—no annoying returns.Fast, Real-Human Support—we reply personally, quickly, and without robots (they terrify us).No Awkward Questions Asked—unless YOU WANT THEM.Basically, you're totally covered. No risk, no hassle, just great toilet paper.
You came. You wiped. You conquered.
Uranus. The Toilet Paper.
3-ply Absurdly Soft Tissue
Made of Bamboo
Plants Tree
Paper Packaging
App access
Humorous Emboss
Price: £5 Cult Rank: Initiate
Rolls: 9 + 2 free rolls
Trees Planted: 1
Wipe Points: 5
App Unlocks: Meme voting, Tree Naming
Price: £15 Cult Rank: Disciple
Rolls: 27 + 9 free rolls
Trees Planted: 4
Wipe Points: 15
App Unlocks: Meme voting, Tree Naming, Confessions Wall
Price: £30 Cult Rank: Prophet
Rolls: 72 + 18 free rolls
Trees Planted: 10
Wipe Points: 30
App Unlocks: All features unlocked, custom emboss voting